For a time now I thought I was not alright with how far I’ve come since I left community college two years ago or high school five years ago.
Every time I was sad, even minutely over stupid things like physically stumbling too many times a day or constantly dropping things this one week, I would convince myself that the entire universe was against me. It was set to destroy me and in reality all of life was really a battleground for the ultimate war against the cosmos (the cosmos would manifest itself into one of the most glorious god-demons I’d ever lay eyes on).
But real sad things have happened and to this day, retrospectively thinking of those events, I’ve almost guaranteed that I drown all the pain and sadness with work.
When I work hard it’s almost unbelievable what I can achieve, but the real reason why that is true is because I’m so close to death internally. Sometimes there is no question to how much pain I’m suffering, I’ll just deny it, get good grades and work my ass off at work-stuff.
Even now, with the sharpest awareness that I am dome with a quarter, I can sense the impending need to work only because I don’t want to deal with the bigger things.
Not like with jobs and shit, I feel like I can handle that. My family though… I’m almost sure I can’t escape… Even with “work”, I think that’s the most terrifying thing I’ll have a hard time denying these next few weeks before I start school again.